LE HUSBAND CHRONICLES – A Stomach Of Steel (and I’m NOT talking about Superman)

Le Husband Chronicles: Musings by Megha

This post is for those who:

  1. Are/about to get/were married
  2. Are/about to get/were in a relationship
  3. Neither wish to get married nor have a relationship – pop open that bottle of wine, kick up your heels and have a laugh at our expense

 (In case it escaped your notice, the above three categories effectively cover 99.9% of the human race.)

While gathering my thoughts on the subject, I was struck by the sheer immensity of the challenge I had unknowingly committed myself to – and I’m not talking about the husband here.

How does one even begin to document the madness that ensues when you have a designer, frugal innovator, busybody, closet superhero and MAN all rolled into one?

Oh! Me.. Me! I’ll tell you how!

*Raising hand to desperately gain the teacher’s attention*

Raising hand in class - Musings by Megha

Too cool for school, is I. (#1)

You sift through the archives and come up with your most I-told-you-so-moment.

So, here it is –

Le Husband Chronicles (BOOM)- Musings by MeghaMy mother had recently sent me a batch of her super hot you’ll-regret-it-in-the-morning chilly garlic chutney.

By now, I’m sure many of you would’ve accurately guessed which way the wind blows (or rather blew). But as (the ever mysterious) “they” say – Wisdom is a journey, rather than a destination; and as experience taught “someone” – this journey turned out to be a rather painful one.

ACT-I

Scene 1 – The dining table

Enter villainous chutney

I placed the deceptively innocuous chutney jar on the table, as we sat down for dinner.

“What’s that?” asked the man I was bound to in holy matrimony for the next couple of lifetimes.

“Mom sent some of her special chilly garlic pickle. I can’t wait to try it!”

Salivating, I judiciously rationed out a tiny dollop of the fiery-red goodness onto my dinner plate.

One bite and I was transported to capsaicin-induced gastronomical heaven.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head, as a medley of pungent flavours did the cha-cha on my taste buds.

Looking disbelievingly at my obvious delight in the humble chutney, he tasted some from my plate.

“Hmm! This is good. I think I’ll have some as well.” Coming from a man who wasn’t the least bit inclined to eat pickles and preserves – this was high praise indeed.

“Careful! Try a little first. You’re not used to the spice level.” I warned him – unknowingly awakening the male-beast that was slumbering within.

With a puffed chest he scoffed, “Hah! Yeh mard ka peth hai! Mard ka!!” (Translates to – This is a man’s stomach! A MAN’s stomach!) (Click to Tweet)

Le Husband Chronicles: Musings by Megha

Behold! The stomach of steel!

Still, I stubbornly insisted that he be allowed to eat only a little.

Needless to say, my ‘suggestions’ were grace-less-ly accepted and with a sanctimonious smile, I continued to enjoy my meal.

ACT-II

Scene 1 – At work

Enter buzzing phone at desk

Seeing my Mom’s name flashing on the screen, I wondered what caused her to call me during working hours.

Upon answering the call, the first words that came out of her mouth were – “Is he feeling better?”

Totally befuddled and mystified with the direction of the conversation, I asked her what/who on earth she was talking about.

“I got a call from your husband asking for an antidote to stomach cramps. He seemed to be in intense pain! How can you not know?!”

“I’ll call you back, Mom.”

“Whaa..”

“I’ll call you back!” and disconnected the phone.

I speed dialed the husband’s number only to be greeted with a groan and a croak.

“What happened?!” I shrieked.

He informed me that he was in severe pain as his stomach kept cramping along with all the paraphernalia that accompanied such situations.

I asked him to catalog the things he’d eaten during the day, yet, couldn’t seem to pin down anything that could’ve triggered such an extreme reaction.

He finally said in a near mumble, “It could’ve been the pickle.”

“No way! I saw how much you ate. It couldn’t possibly have been the pickle.” I scoffed, disregarding the notion completely.

There was a very suspicious silence on the other end of the line.

“It couldn’t have been the pickle, right?” I asked with rising dread.

“When you went to keep the dishes away, I may have eaten a spoonful.. or two..” came the garbled answer.

“NOOOOO!!! Why would you do that?!” I was aghast at the idiocy of the act.

Exasperated facepalm - Le Husband Chronicles: Musings by Megha

Oh.Dear.Lord! (#2)

“I thought I could handle it!” came the defensive reply.

“Well, what the hell happened to your stomach of steel then??”

And that effectively silenced the MAN’s mouth.

A trip to the emergency ensued, where I realised that ulcerated stomach linings were relatively easier to treat than a bruised male ego. (Click to Tweet)

ACT-III

Scene 1 – The dining table (again)

Enter villainous chutney (yet again)

A few nights later, I heard the abrupt rattle of cutlery as I placed the offending (to some) jar on the table. Looking up, I saw le husband sport an absolutely livid look on his face.

I cheekily asked, “Would you like some?”

“Keep that thing away from me!” came the thunderous reply, while giving it the evil eye.

I bit my cheek, swallowed a giggle and continued to savor my pickled fare.

Le Husband Chronicles (Chutney Jar )- Musings by Megha

Over the years, the incidences have grown to an exponentially larger pool of unadulterated exasperation, incredulity and pure malenessSo much so that I’ve come to realise, that one humble post simply cannot deal with the accrued magnitude of epic-ness.

Which got me thinking – Should I turn Le Husband Chronicles into a series? Yes/No/Maybe? (cue to fill the poll below)

 

But wait!! Perhaps, I should run it by the man of the house first *wink wink*

(Click to Tweet this post!)

Media Credits:

  1. sbindependent.org
  2. gickr.com
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10 thoughts on “LE HUSBAND CHRONICLES – A Stomach Of Steel (and I’m NOT talking about Superman)

  1. Yes yes yes yes yes. I can’t wait to read more of The Chronicles. As a woman whose also married to a “steel-stomached” man (or one who *thinks* he is), I can totally relate to this.

    This post cheered me mightily on a Monday. And for someone who hates Monday as much as I do, that’s high praise, too!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hahahaha! my husband is the same! He keeps saying he can take whatever- food that is too spicy, carrying kids for unusually long distances, playing soccer with a sore ankle- but afterwards we have to rush off to the doctor. Men. What would we do without them? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha!! I hear you, sista 😉 Then the trips to the doc are a different story altogether – the puppy eyes, the demand for sympathy etc! Gosh!! As you rightly said, whatever would we do without them?!!! *for starters – probably keep our sanity intact* haha!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh that was hilarious. I think every wife/girlfriend/partner has at least one of these. 🙂

    Hey I’m still waiting for your comments over at my blog on the Ilaa story! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh goodness, that was great 😀 My grandmother has a killer (almost literally) spicy chili recipe of her own and I absolutely cannot take more than a dab of it. It’s so good, but sooo hot! Hahaha. Ulcers – that’s so awful, which makes me feel bad for enjoying this story, but it’s so good!

    Liked by 1 person

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